Critters

Since we moved to Texas we have had many critters in our house. I honestly can't remember a single critter in Maryland other than the occasional dead bird or mole Peeky (our family cat) would drag to the front porch. Either my parents did a good job of hiding it from me or Texas is just ridiculously overloaded with bugs.
So our battle with the critters started off pretty normal...a few "worms"(millipede-looking insects) near the doors after we first moved into our new house--no big deal. It was kind of funny--one day Colin came up to me and said, "Mommy, mommy, I found another freaking worm!!" Oops.
Occasionally we'd find an ant here and there, maybe a cricket or two, and I can handle all that. Yes, Ross Pest Control was on speed dial, but I can handle those types of insects. This is reasonable, after all, we do live in the "country" now.
Then one day Colin was supposed to be taking a nap and after his fifth or sixth trip to "tell me something" he said a "scorpion needle" poked him. Sure, get back in bed, Colin. I mean, my brother Joey had a scorpion for a pet once, but it was in a cage and certainly those things do not run loose. Hmmm...nope, that is definitely a scorpion. "Ross Pest Control...my son received a scorpion sting...brown...not too poisonous?...ice...ok, great...see you tomorrow...thank you."
And so it began...
After Christmas I was putting our decorations in boxes and I set a box in the garage. I saw a rear end sprinting away from me along the floor of the garage. Take a deep breath. That must have been a...a squirrel or...or a raccoon! Yes, raccoons love Christmas decorations! Yes. That's it. That explains everything. Call Andy. "Andy (remember to breathe) I think I saw a--" "Let me call you back real quick, I'm on another call." "But--" CLICK. Ok, you can handle this. You are an adult, and it's just a little m--Dad! Call Dad, he can help you. Ok. (Dialing) "I think there's a mouse in my garage!!!" "Umm...ok, kill it." WHAT?! "WHAT?!" "Um, kill it. Look, this is Mike, I don't know who this is but maybe you could just kill the mouse." DON'T KNOW WHO THIS IS??? "THIS IS YOUR DAUGHTER!!" Apparently my voice was so high pitched he didn't recognize me. And he lives in Maryland, so that call was not so much help to me. Call Ross Pest Control. Bait stations? Fantastic.
Ok, so at the beginning of summer things are looking better, and instead of "several families of mice" we have "low traffic"!! Fabulous!! There is now an enormous toad that lives on our front porch, but whatever, there is only one of him, and sure he craps all over the place, but he's not a mouse, so he can stay. But what's that I hear in the attic? Scratching? No. Ross Pest Control said we have low traffic. I heard it myself. And this sound is too loud to be mice. No, this is the air conditioning. Yes. Hmm...this air conditioning sure does sound like rat toenails. Just breathe. Don't stay up all night tracking their routes. Just go to sleep. Ross can come out on Saturday! Great.
Their advice? Get a cat. "What?" Take a deep breath. "Well, ma'am, you live next to a field. Just get a cat." WHAT? Are you kidding me? WE JUST GOT A DOG! I DON'T WANT A CAT! I WANT NO MICE OR RATS. I WANT FEWER CRITTERS! NOT MORE CRITTERS! Ross is fired and now we're going with another company.
So this is not the end. Colin, Carter, Clayton, Cooper and I went for a walk through our neighborhood the other day, and as we're walking, Carter says, "Aww, look at the baby deer!" Wow, cool! Maybe living out in the country isn't so bad after all! Sure enough, I see a baby deer with those sweet pointy ears and long...tail...do baby deer have long..."That's not a baby deer that's a coyote," says Colin. Nice.